


I've loved you since we were teens

by StreetDancer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, Underage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-01 23:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4039258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetDancer/pseuds/StreetDancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius had fallen in love with the young lady next door, unaware of the death glares that Remus is giving to him every time he talks about her. Remus had been in love with Sirius since they were teens and Sirius hadn't even realized. But when Harry leaves to go to a surprise dinner, Sirius takes notice of Remus and how strange Remus is towards him and decides to investigate, leading to some unnecessary moment. Later on Remus can't handle it and does whatever puts him to rest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius smiled when he saw the young girl as she went out to get the mail, her name was Fiona Lawson. She had tanned skin and blue eyes with a wonderful smile. "Having a nice time eyeing off the neighbor?" a rough voice was heard behind him. Sirius almost jumped, "do you mind, and yes i am, leave me be" Sirius said with a smile. Remus patted him on the back. "I think she's taken mate, better luck next time mate" Remus said. Sirius shrugged him off. "Shut up, you're acting that way because you have no one -". Sirius cut himself off as he realized what he had just said, feeling regret at the pit of his stomach as he saw his friend's face go slack with sadness, Remus turned and went back into the house, not letting Sirius say anything. Remus was so in his thoughts that he hadn't realized that the young Harry Potter was standing at the foot of the stairs talking to him. He blinked a couple of times and then answered, "shit sorry Harry, what was it that you needed?" Remus asked, Harry rolled his eyes, "anyway, i was wondering that tomorrow i could go over to Ron's place, they were going to have a little surprise dinner for Percy and all -".

"Yeah that's alright, it wouldn't hurt".

"I was wondering if you wanted to come over though" Harry put in. Remus shook his head, "i would love to, but i'm feeling a little crook today, ask Sirius, i'm sure he'd love to go" Remus said. Harry nodded, but Remus could see the uncertainty in the young boys face. Remus was tired of hearing Sirius talk about Fiona, he was in love with Sirius, but Sirius didn't know about that, and he had a feeling that he had waited too long. He made his way into the big library. Stack and stacks of books, also a fireplace, Remus smiled and plonked himself down into one of the comfy armchairs. He could hear Sirius talking to Harry, their voices muffled, and he couldn't tell if Sirius had said yes or no to the offer, but he didn't care, he wanted to sleep through things for now. 

******

Remus was already in his bed clothes, yawning away, he didn't eat dinner with the other two. He was too upset to even look at Sirius in the eyes, there was a framed picture of Sirius, himself and James along with Peter, Remus growled and placed the framed picture, so it was facing down. Getting into bed he closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep.

"I think he likes you Sirius" Harry said, sipping his soup, Sirius looked up from the paper, "I'm sorry what did you say Harry?"

"Jeez i swear everyone is off with the stars now days" harry said irritably. Sirius laughed, "i'm sorry okay, now what did you say?" Harry sighed, "i said that i think he has a crush on you".

"You mean she, i mean Fiona is a wonderful person, i see that she helps others around her and all that -".

"No, i mean Remus!" Harry blurted out, Sirius didn't move, he stared at his godson who's eyes left his and looked down at the soup. "Harry, tell me more.... Please" Sirius said, folding the paper up, placing it on the desk and leaning forward, so his elbows were resting on the table. "I... I... Remus has a crush on you" Harry said, "and is that all?" Sirius asked. Harry shrugged, "Harry I think you're just thinking that, it's not true okay" Sirius said with a smile. Harry looked up at him, his eyes were pleading, he opened his mouth, but Sirius grabbed his bowl and went to the sink, leaving his godson alone at the table to finish up. Sirius had made his way to his bedroom, stopping right in front of Remus's room, he sucked in some air. There was a noise from inside, he pressed his ear on the cold wooden door. Sure enough he heard crying, "Remus, are you alright in there?" He asked, the crying stopped and was seconds later Remus answered, "it's alright, just a nightmare that's all" Sirius frowned, Remus wasn't the one to have nightmares, but he shrugged it off and went to his room.

Remus cursed under his breath, so close, so close that Sirius would find Remus while he was in the middle of his ritual that he did every night after Fiona Lawson had come. He looked down at the cuts on his arms, he could somehow get away with these cuts because he was a werewolf, Sirius wasn't that much of a werewolf expert, Remus could just make it up as he went along and say that they were there when he had transformed a few days ago. He cleaned himself and went back to bed, he was in pain, regretting cutting himself, he had cut too deep and it was stinging like hell. He closed his eyes, he was going to have to suck it up, not let Sirius know. 


	2. What really is the matter Remus?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius finally breaks the silence, it's the day when Harry goes to the Weasley's house. Sirius is left alone with Remus, he irritated at the fact that Remus isn't talking to him or even looking at him. He finally goes up to Remus and asks, and gets more than he's bargained for.

Harry couldn't stop bouncing off the walls, he was that excited on going to the dinner. "I wish you guys could come, it would be better!" Harry said, as he plonked himself down at the table. Sirius had dished up a nice breakfast. Remus was sitting next to Harry, not talking or looking up from his paper. Sirius had come over with three plates, "I've already eaten though, so it's fine" Sirius said. He had his eye on the werewolf who sat with a hunched over figure. He opened his mouth but didn't say anything as Remus looked up from the newspaper and started eating. He felt like he was getting a headache, Harry wouldn't shut up. "Alright i think that's enough, save your voice for them alright" Sirius said with a laugh, harry apologized and got ready. Sirius had a chance to get Remus alone in the library. "Remus, why aren't you communicating with me?" Sirius asked flatly. Remus stared at him, but then turned away to grab one of the books. Sirius growled in annoyance, moved forward with great speed and took the book out of the werewolf's hand. Remus grasped Sirius's wrist in shock. "Quite fucking around with me Remus, what did i do, was it Harry, who upset you?" Sirius snarled. Remus could feel anger boiling up inside him, but he kept it to himself. He wasn't going to let Sirius into him, not now, not when Harry was still here. Sirius had grasped him by the shoulders. "Come on you pathetic thing, speak!" Remus's hand shot out, striking Sirius square in the chest. His friend fell back in shock, clutching on the bruised area of his chest. Remus stood still for a second before he belted out of the room at full speed. 

Later in the day it was time for Harry to go, Remus had emerged from his room, but only to say goodbye to Harry, and he stayed a good distance away from Sirius, who gave him worried looks. "Bye guys, see you later, i promise i won't be too long okay" Harry said as he got into the Weasley's blue flying car. When the car had left, Remus had vanished from Sirius's side once again, and this time Sirius wasn't going to let him go. He made his way up to Remus's room, the door was closed. "Remus, we need to talk" Sirius said firmly, he could hear the werewolf in the room, he was moving about. "Remus, don't be a fool, come out now or i'll have to force my way in!" Sirius said, his voice a little louder. Again their was no answer, "right then" Sirius said under his breathe, pulled out his wand and muttered, "Alohamora!" Their was a little click and he burst straight into the room, rushing straight at Remus, who screamed in shock. Sirius was able to get a hold of Remus's wrist. "Remus, quite fighting me you idiot, sit down!" Sirius screamed at his frightened friend.   
Remus tried to fight his friend off, his wrists and arms were in so much pain that his vision was starting to get blurry. Remus looked up to see the concern in his friends face. "Remus, what's wrong-". But Remus had pushed him away, Sirius was smaller than Remus, and since Remus was a werewolf he had unspeakable power, he could just throw Sirius with the flick of his wrist. "That's it!" He heard Sirius scream, he watched as he transformed into the big black dog, he feared the most, because Sirius' hearing, sense of smell and tracking had been tripled. Meaning that he could smell out his cuts, before Remus could run off, Padfoot had lunged at him, knocking him on his stomach, sniffing him. Padfoot's noise poked Remus's arms. "Sirius get the hell off me!" Remus screamed, Sirius was much stronger when he was Padfoot, he was stronger than Remus when Remus was in his human form. The dog let out a snarl and poked a Remus's arms. The werewolf was face down on the hard wooden floor, he groaned as he felt Sirius transform into his human self, the weight seemed heavier than ever. He heard Sirius's low voice, "push up your sleeves" he said in Remus's ear. Remus didn't move, he wasn't going to give in now, not now. "Pull them up now!" Sirius said. Remus had the chance to push him off, and he did, Sirius let out a shocked gasp and landed with a thud beside him. But before he could run, Sirius had grabbed his wrist and pulled the sleeve up, revealing the deep cuts that were on his arm. "Remus, what, shit, how could you do this, did you cut yourself?" Sirius said, as he slowly and gently brushed his fingertips over the cuts, "show me the other arm" he said. Remus knew that he had no choice, so he showed him, "how could you?" Sirius said, looking up at him with sadness. "i didn't cut myself" Remus said, he knew he had to get him away from the truth. "Oh really, it looks to me that -".

"It was when i transformed okay, there are some wounds that don't heal properly, but they're getting better, trust me" Remus said. Hoping that the lie was going to make it. Sirius frowned and looked down at his arms, "well, I can't seem to think that Moony must have done this -". 

"It was him alright, don't act as though you know about what a werewolf does to himself -".

"Alright Remus, it's okay, i'll help you heal yourself alright" Sirius said, Remus nodded, he really needed that right now. He followed Sirius into the bathroom, "come over here" Sirius said. He ran the water and waited until it was warm, he grabbed a cloth and motioned Remus to come forth. Pressing the cloth against Remus's cuts, and hearing Remus hissing in pain. "How long, just after the transformation?" Sirius asked, Remus nodded, "i sometimes don't know how i get some of the wounds on my body, my mind is somewhere else i guess" Remus said, glad that the lie was taken that easily. "I'll get some bandages and then you can go and have a lie down" Sirius said. 

******

Remus was on the couch, his blondish brown hair was all ruffled, he was pale, but quite cute. Sirius watched the werewolf as his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. In a second he was over by Remus's side and pressed a soft kiss to his friends forehead, Sirius smiled when Remus moved and groaned from the sudden touch. The smile was swept off Sirius as he realized what was happening. Was it true, was he falling for Remus, or was he filled with pity and sadness for Remus? He shook the thought out of his head and headed up stairs to clean up, he started with Remus's bedroom, the sheets were creased, so he took them off. There a noise, as if something solid hit the floor. He lifted the sheets a bit, searching for whatever fell, his fingers wrapped around something thin and hard. Pushing the sheets aside, he stared down at the old shaving took, it's sharp edge covered with blood. Rage boiled inside him, Remus did cut himself, and he had the nerve to lie to him. He turned and was going to head downstairs and give to werewolf a piece of his mind, but stopped, Remus was tired, losing so much blood from cutting himself had really taken the tole out of him, Sirius screaming at him wouldn't make the situation any better. Later maybe, he'll have a chat with him, not tomorrow, Harry's returning tonight.


	3. What's this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is awake, a good chance to talk to him.

Remus was up and kicking, Sirius wasn't all that happy, but he had to hide it, he had to get Remus in the kitchen and lock the doors so he wouldn't take a runner on him. "Remus come into the kitchen i have a surprise" Sirius yelled. Remus walked in with confusion, and before he could react, Sirius had whipped out his wand and locked the only exit they had. "What are you -". Remus stopped when he saw Sirius leaning against the kitchen sink, holding the shaving tool that was smeared with dried blood, in his hand. "Explain this then" Sirius said, trying hard not to yell at his friend. Remus didn't move, to Sirius, Remus looked like a little kid. "Come on, you said to me that you got this cuts from when you transformed into a werewolf, explain this to me!" Sirius voice was rising. Remus put his hands up, "listen, you should keep your nose out of my business please" Remus knew that he shouldn't have said it. He watched in fear as Sirius's eyes seem to go dark with anger. "I don't care, but you're here with me and we should care about each other, don't you dare tell me that it's not my business!" Sirius screamed, Remus backed away. "Sirius, please calm down -".

"Don't you fucking tell me what to calm down!" Sirius screamed. Remus knew that he couldn't get out, the door was locked, but he wouldn't even had time to whip out his wand to unlock the door before Sirius would use the charm to get rid of his wand. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry, please forgive me!" Remus screamed back, covering his ears and closing his eyes shut. He couldn't hear Sirius calling his name, and he didn't even see him moving in on him, but he felt him wrapping his long arms around him, comforting him. Remus uncovered his ears a little to hear Sirius talking normal. "I'm sorry i yelled, but please, tell me everything, i need to know everything Remus". Remus heart sank, he didn't want to, it was too stupid and embarrassing for him to confess his love like that. He couldn't bring himself to say that Sirius was the reason why he cut himself at night. All he could do was fall onto Sirius and cry his heart out with Sirius trying to calm himself down. 

Harry had called and asked if he could have a sleep over, Sirius would usually say no, but the situation he was in tonight made him agree that Harry shouldn't come home to this hell hole. Remus was on the couch, staring into the newly lit fire. "Yes i'm sure you can have one, it'll be fine" he said and hung up, joining Remus on the couch. The two grown men were silent, Sirius was able to stare directly at Remus's cut arms, his heart sinking, wondering what caused his best friend to self harm himself. "Remus" he said quietly, but he knew that his friend had heard him, so he kept on talking. "You're my best friend, i want you to tell me everything, you'll kill yourself Remus" he said, he tried to hold back the tears. Remus didn't move, he still stared at the fire. "For heavens sake Remus, come on, tell me -".

"It was you alright!" Remus yelled at him, his head whipped around, facing him, anger flaring in his eyes. Sirius recoiled in shock from the sudden outburst. "Ever since that girl came-". Remus was able to cut himself short before talking about Fiona. "Fiona, the neighbor?" Sirius said with a soft tone, leaning towards Remus, seeming to reach out to him. Remus stared at him for a few moment, before turning back to the fire, "oh no you don't, look at me now, don't go off with the stars now Remus, tell me!" Sirius said, as he forced himself onto the werewolf, grasping onto Remus's chin, making Remus look at him, into those grey stormy eyes. Remus shook his head, his eyes were filled with tears, "Sirius, please, you'll hate me though".

"Hate, you why on earth would I -".

"Because i love you". 

"Well I love you to mate".

"No i mean i really love you Sirius!" Remus blurted out, Sirius tensed, Remus could tell. "Oh" was all Sirius said. Before Remus could say anything, Sirius had gotten up and left the room, ans hadn't returned. Remus cried silently to himself. He knew that Sirius hated him for it. 


	4. Not Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius hasn't run away, but he stays away from Remus, not talking to him or looking at him, and never wants to be with him. Remus can't stand it, Harry knows and tries his best to comfort Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i don't know if you guys like it really, tell me if you want me to make the sequel, it would be where Sirius hunts down Remus though :)

Sirius hadn't run away to Remus's relief, but he wasn't able to talk to him, Sirius never gave him any time. Harry had returned the next day and instantly knew that something happened when he was gone, why else would Sirius let him have a sleep over. Sirius had left them alone and Harry touched Remus's arm, "are you alright, what happened?" Harry said quietly, making sure he was too loud that his voice would travel. "I confessed my love to him" Remus said flatly, trying to hold back the tears. Harry sighed, "i think he's having some time to himself" Harry said, but Remus knew that Sirius didn't want him. "No, he hates me, i know it".

"I doubt he hates you Remus, you've been friends since high school -".

"That doesn't mean he wouldn't hate me just like that" Remus said. harry shrugged, "all i'm saying is just give him a little time to adjust alright" Harry said. Remus had no other choice but to go along with his advice. A week had gone by and Remus felt like he was going mad, Sirius was never around now, he was felt hurt, not the hurt from the cuts, the emotional hurt. Harry could see that his advice wasn't really working. "I can't stand it anymore Harry, Remus said. Harry couldn't really say much, but nod. "I think i need to leave" he said. "But you can't -".

"What gives me a reason to stay" Remus asked. Harry was silent for a few seconds before he answered, "you will return though?" Remus cupped Harry's face in his big hands, "I can't promise you that Harry, it might take a while, you might be in your thirties when i return -".

"No please, don't do this to me" Harry said. Remus sighed, wiping the tears from Harry's face, "Harry, you've come this far, and you've never asked for my help, maybe only for one thing, but you're doing fine, especially being with Sirius, after all he is your godfather" Harry smiled and wrapped his arms around the werewolf's body. "Even though it might take ages, please return before we both die alright" Harry said. Remus smiled, "alright I will then Harry". Of course Remus couldn't find Sirius to say his goodbyes, but really he didn't want to say anything about him leaving. He made his way out onto the street, he was going to make a new journey for him, something to brand spanking new for him, and one day he will return to them, when he's ready and when they're ready. 

******

Sirius yawned, he was quiet tired, everything was still processing through his brain after what Remus had told him. He was in love with him, for how long, and why didn't he tell him? He got up and paced the library, what was he to do? He swore at himself in annoyance and made his way out into the hallway, his dreaded mother's portrait. "You fool!" She screamed at him. "Shut up you old bag of bones" he spat back, "useless excuse of a son!"

"Useless excuse of a mother!" Sirius shot back, "you don't know anything" she shot back at him, "I know everything you little whore!" Sirius was fuming, "you don't know, what to do, where to go, for god sakes, you don't even know that Lupin had a crush on you since high school!" Sirius stood still, speechless at his mother, he fixed her dress. "What did you say mother?" he asked, she sighed, "you don't even know that he's gone".

"Gone?" Sirius repeated, there was a noise from behind him. He turned, expecting Remus to be standing at the door, but no it was his godson. "Harry, how long have you been there?"

"Not that long" he said. Sirius felt uncomfortable, his mother was staring at him with an annoyed look. Harry spoke up, "I told you" he said, Sirius tried not to smile, he knew that Harry was right, "where is he?" Sirius asked, and that's when his mother went off again, "like I said, you don't even know that he's gone!" Sirius frowned, "what's she talking about?" He asked Harry, who seem to move uncomfortably. "Harry, tell me now, god damn it don't pull away from me now!" Sirius said. Harry sighed, "he's gone, i don't know where he is though, he never told me, he said that when he returns i might be in my thirties and all, but he will return before we're dead -". Sirius had stopped him with a shaky hand, his breathing seem to hitch. "How long ago did he leave?" Sirius said with a shaky voice. Harry looked back at the clock, "two hours ago".

"Fuck, two hours ago, are you sure he didn't mention where he went, you're not lying to me are you?" Sirius said, taking a step towards Harry, his mother spoke, "i heard him in the hallway Sirius, he was talking to Harry, he never once mention where he was going" that was the first time he heard his mother speak with a normal tone in her voice. "Thank you" Sirius said, the first time he ever thanked his mother since he was six. Where would Remus go, Harry knew that he had to leave Sirius for a bit. Sirius made his way back to the library, his limbs were very weak. He plonked himself down on the big couch. "Sirius what have you done?" he asked himself, looking over at one of the pictures, eyeing off Remus's smiling face. "Where'd you go?" Sirius asked him, knowing that the picture wouldn't say anything. He had to find Remus, and tell him. Fiona Lawson was a thing of the past.


End file.
